The Hipster Problem



Big American cities have been swarmed by Hipsters including San Francisco Chicago, Seattle, Portland, and New York. Subways have been overrun, restaurants and small neighborhoods taken over. Thousands of streets have been littered with Ray-Ban sunglasses, liberal arts degrees and unwanted arrogance. The Hipster, a Great danger to us all, has begun to take control of our cities. People should exercise great caution when leaving their homes. These things dwell in urban areas, or anywhere there’s soy lattés. Hipsters have become an infestation; they are a subculture from the pits of ironic hell. Hipsters reject anything mainstream and that includes the culturally ignorant or basically anyone who isn’t them. Children and parents have become scarred by this subcultures extreme lack of showering. The children are to be protected. The obscure bands they listen too will entice your children as much as a pair of tight jeans. Measures have been taken in the past to limit the tightness of their jeans to only one twisted gonad. However, our efforts to restrain and control this vermin have done little. Fixed gear bikes cover the street; everyone seems to be getting a Fixie high now. Fixies have moved from the underground to your very streets. Tell children to be wary of free fixies. Another thing to note is they seem to dwell around Pabst Blue Ribbon. Any cheap watering hole will attract swarms of Hipsters if they happen to sell PBR. They live an eco-friendly lifestyle thriving in apartments, and anywhere where there’s a sale on flannels.  No doubt they’re probably wearing something from your dead grandma’s closet or maybe currently in her closet.  They have been known in the past to have a wide sexual nature. Hipsters will try anything once as long as it’s vintage.  The elderly should exercise caution when going outdoors because they may be confused for one of these creatures and will therefore be attacked. Seniors may even be confused for an extremely classic Hipster who took going vintage way to far. They have begun taking over our restaurants, local bars and farmers markets. They flock in hole in the wall bars or anywhere they can order a “Flat white” if you’re cool enough to know. They shun anyone who seems normal, or doesn’t eat vegan. They worship things that no one seems to know about.  Bike lanes are taking over streets; no longer can you open a car door without having to make a head check. The shooing away of Hipsters isn’t working anymore; we need to step up our extermination.

 

People should exercise great caution when leaving their homes. These things dwell in urban areas, or anywhere there’s soy lattés. Hipsters have become an infestation; they are a subculture from the pits of ironic hell. Hipsters reject anything mainstream and that includes the culturally ignorant or basically anyone who isn’t them. Children and parents are scarred by this subcultures extreme lack of showering and Mutton chops. The obscure bands they listen too will entice your children as much as a pair of tight jeans. Measures have been taken in the past to limit the tightness of their jeans to only one twisted gonad. However, our efforts to restrain and control this vermin have done little. Fixed gear bikes cover the street; everyone seems to be getting a Fixie high now. Fixies have moved from the underground to your very streets. Tell children to be wary of free fixies. Pabst Blue Ribbon is worshipped by these so called Hipsters as well as anything from Urban Outfitters. They live an eco-friendly lifestyle thriving in apartments, and anywhere where there’s a sale on flannels. They can be seen paying a hundred dollars for a shirt that appears vintage.  No doubt they’re probably wearing something from your dead grandma’s closet or maybe currently in her closet.  They have been known in the past to have a wide sexual nature. Hipsters will try anything once as long as it’s vintage.  The elderly should exercise caution when going outdoors because they may be confused for one of these creatures and will therefore be attacked. They may even be confused for an extremely classic Hipster. They have begun taking over our restaurants, local bars and farmers markets. They flock in hole in the wall bars or anywhere they can order a “Flat white” if you’re cool enough to know. They shun anyone who seems normal, or doesn’t eat vegan. They worship things that no one seems to know about.  Bike lanes are taking over streets; no longer can you open a car door without having to make a head check. The shooing away of Hipsters isn’t working anymore; we need to step up our extermination.

As an average, mainstream American I find that this is a problem. Citizens will not be attacked for not liking vegan cookies, cold brew coffee, or kale. Did you hear about that new band? Oh probably not they’re too underground. Have you tried the new organic Indian restaurant? Oh guess not you’re a suburbanite you don’t appreciate any culture. The judgments for not knowing about the new latest indie movie need to come to an end. Our children need to be protected. They need to be aware of what could happen if they come into contact with one of these Hipsters. What can we do about it? Certain procedures need to be in place when dealing with a child who has been in contact with one.  There is something that we, the American citizens can do to end the infestations.
It will all start with clearing our streets traps will be set all around the city. They have been proven more than effective in case trials. The city has taken funding from the extermination of rats to create these traps. The funding deemed insufficient so we relied on donations.  If you feel additional traps are necessary around your home feel free to buy them. All you need to do is go in a Whole Foods store in the organic section to buy The Hipster trap. They come pre-loaded with vintage cassette tapes, wayfarers, and Lollapalooza tickets. They’re guaranteed to work, or your money back. If you feel yourself or your family come into contact with one begin screening yourself and your children for the signs of being infected by a Hipster. Children and teens are the most vulnerable the symptoms may include: Slouching, weight loss, the use of foreign cigarettes, increased tightness of jeans, and increased facial hair growth. The use of many other popular recreational drugs by your children should be disregarded as they are simply too popular for Hipsters.  There are currently no cures for this condition. Instead the cities have begun to pay for treatment programs. I have planned to bring petition for the closing of mainstream stores Hipsters shop at such as American apparel and urban outfitters.  This would stop them from reaching their resources, and I presume they will eventually begin to slowly die. Also by deleting the Instagram accounts of many of these Hipsters will cut off their source of life. No one will know all the Hipster things they’re doing and their internal organs will bleed from lack of publicity. Because if no one knows all the unknown eccentric things they’re doing, then they didn’t do it. Another simpler way to stop them from spreading and multiplying is simply target the bikes. Citizens will be praised for slashing tires, stealing, or simply running them of the road. They tend to stay in packs making it a one easy bump of a car to knock out many. Most of them don’t follow the traffic or lane rules anyway making them easy targets.  Be sure that they are not able to continue, as it will be used as being hit by a car will be a unique story to make themselves seem more Hipster. Tofu or any vegan products in households that no one eats anyway should be locked up because they will attract more Hipsters. More dramatic measures will be taken in the future if the multiplication is not slowed.  I am working to make sure the safety of our homes is a priority.
Citizens need to be afraid of these things. If you haven’t seen one up close it’s a sight to behold. It foams at the mouth and walks with thin frail legs behind tight vintage Levi’s. Pictures of them will be posted in alleys not to be confused with the picture of rats, though they do have similar qualities. I have heard that these things hold secret meetings, maybe to bring up rent prices or the price of beer. With my observations from afar, I’ve come to conclusion that Hipsters will never admit to being one, for it would be too mainstream. This is essential to discovering them, these things will never admit to what they truly are. I’ve never seen one attack, but surely it’s bound to happen.  I wanted to bring this issue to the attention of Americans that live in the populous metropolitan areas.

Urrea

Luis Urreas book The Devils Highway gave me whole new prospective on the issue of immigration. Before reading the book I wasn’t aware of the hardship, that motivated these immigrants to want to leave Mexico. I realized that they it takes a lot for a person to decide to go into a desert and risk their entire life, just to make it to the United States. Things in their life must have been terrible, if they made it to the point of deciding to cross the border. They left behind everything they know, including their belongings, families, and they paid a hefty fine that included most of their lives earnings. It makes me not mad at the immigrants for wanting to come into the United States illegally, but mad at the situation. The money the U.S had to pay in the end, could have been put toward changing the conditions in their towns/villages. It’s ironic, the way that things turned out.

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I’ve been obsessed with tacos from L’ Patron. Located on California and Diversey, in Logan square. Its a great small taco place, that’s open pretty late. Even though, its always packed, and very small its worth the wait. The steak and al pastor tacos are amazing! I didnt expect such a small place, to have such quality food, and for a great price.

What if I need it.

I feel that almost everyone has things in their closet, that are completely ridiculous that they’ll never wear. Whether it be something you bought or inherited from a family member. Everyone has that one piece of clothing, that you can’t bring yourself to throw away. Especially clothes with the tags that we never wore. Why do we force ourselves to keep it? Are we too lazy to throw it away? People can’t help sometimes, but to become attached to things. We think it has value, just sitting there in our closet taking up space . I fear that if I throw it away then I might need it someday. That leather jacket I wore from when I was KISS on Halloween,I’ll definitely need that.

Parents

They come in all different shapes and sizes. Some are more protective than others,and have more rules. I’ve had trouble understanding parents logic. I used to think parents, who did bad things as teenagers would be more strict. It seems to go both ways. They can be stricter ,because they think they “Know” what teenagers do. Or they could give their teen more freedom, because it allows them to have independence and experience. A good balance of both should be present, because nothing’s worse than a sheltered child who goes to college for the first time. Parents also shouldn’t attempt to be the “Best friend” type. They should know what boundaries need to be set, and when to be a parent. It’s much easier to be better friends with your child as they get older.

Thoreau

Thoreau focuses on living life to its full potential and ridicules people who ,focus on the mundane details in their life. When people put all of their attention into these useless things it keeps them from being themselves. Sure people gain petty pleasure from watching tv shows, but does it really mean anything? Does watching a reality TV show help you discover anything about yourself as a person? It doesn’t allow you to think for yourself,it instead gives you useless information. Being worthy and living life to full potential is different for every person. But ,everyone is kept from discovering this if they focus on these non important things in their lives.

Radiohead

“No Surprises” by Radiohead is a song I always loved,especially as kid. The song is a single off their album OK computer. The soft suddle,and almost eerie beginning is what really sets the tone for the whole song. It’s something unique that I have never heard before in many other song . The song itself is very depressing and sad,but extremely interesting. I find myself listening to it over and over again and never getting tired of it. Even the music video is something else, Thom Yorke seems to be in a reflective space mask.